Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Because you (& your neighbor, & your dog) have asked

*Heads up, this post is personal. If you don't want the nitty gritty it's probably best you skip past this one.*

Babies. There, I said it. Let's address it. Yes, Zachary and I have been married for two whole years now and yes, we were indeed commanded to multiply and replenish. So why don't we have a baby? Not that it's anyone's business but mine and Zac's, I'm kind of over the awkward questions from friends, family, and weird acquaintances.

Truth is, I want a baby pretty badly. My body just doesn't seem to want to work with us. This is where it gets a little personal so look away if you would like to pretend like our baby will come from a stork. 

I have been off of the pill for around 10 months and my body will not ovulate by itself anymore. As some of you may know ovulation is pretty important for makin' a baby. I have visited a couple doctors (one of which scared the bajeebies out of me, saying that I was infertile. woah, that word was harsh.) and the last doctor prescribed me a medicine that should help my body. I will need to go back in for another appointment soon since it's been 6 months on this particular pill and no dice, I'm hoping something like Clomid can help me out.

You might be asking why I feel the need to open up about this all of the sudden and why I think people care and there are a couple answers. Like I said, I'm sick of the questions, but also because it's been a huge weight on my shoulders for a while now. It's hard not to feel alone and a little bit broken. It's hard not to constantly wonder why we are facing this trial in our marriage or wonder if it's a lesson in patience that I'm not quite getting. I feel a pit in my stomach every time someone else announces that they have a little spirit on the way, not because I'm unhappy for them in ANY way but because I'm waiting for the day that I can make that announcement. 

Does this make sense? Am I being crazy? (I can answer that one... yes, I am) But man, it feels good to write this out. We are grateful for the time that Zac & I have had together and for the stability that we've found. We have faith that someday we will get that crazy excitement over a weird stick that you pee on and be able to share in that fun with our family and friends. And I know that someday we will be totally awesome parents. We're just waitin' around for that someday... :) 

This is my baby for now.


April Clark said...

Well, know I certainly understand! We love you guys and also have faith that Heavenly Father's plan will unfold for you and Zac (as well as for us:). Unfortunately, our timing is just never quite the same as the Lord's timing. But fortunately, what we become during those trials has the ability to purify us and makes us more grateful for those long, long-awaited blessings! :) I'm always here for you.

Julie Clark said...

Thanks for sharing your feeling and experiences. We wish the best for you and we'll keep you in our prayers. You're right, both of you will be excellent parents someday. How is your step-mom doing?

The Rowley's said...

It was 3 years before we got preganant so I know a little what you are going through. Because of those 3 years Im a firm believer in timing is everything. But one day you and Zac WILL be awesome awesome parents! Miss you lady!

Nicole A. H. Porter said...

Amen. Two months on clomid, and still no positive ovulation test. I am very grateful for science at this point, that there are still more options to go. Good luck, you two.

James and Erica said...

It's been three years for us so far and still nothing. I completely understand how you feel. I love how after you are introduced to someone they immediantely ask if you have kids. Then you give the weird awkward laugh and say not yet. Good luck to you!

Meggan said...

I love you!!! You are sooo amazing!!! Hang in there!! One day you will be an amazing mom! I just know it! ;)