foot, meet mouth.

So it has hit the interwebs. And I feel oh, so silly about my slightly bitter post a couple weeks ago. Please know that I was writing it from a very honest and real place in my heart, I had NO idea about this precious little spirit that we are being blessed with. I guess Heavenly Father was not only showing me a little patience but some humility as well. And with that said, I cannot even tell you the magnitude of our excitement and gratitude! Yes, I cried over that silly little stick that I peed on, we rushed out to get 10 more tests, and I have been puking my guts out ever since. When I originally found out I calculated my due date to be April 6, putting me at about 9 weeks right now but a few days ago we had to go in to the doctors for some pains I was having and they dated the little nugget at around 7 weeks. Lame, but we saw the heartbeat and everything looked perfect! And yes, we realize the social norm is to wait until 12 weeks to let the cat out of the bag but A. we cannot contain this excitement and B. at the doctor's appointment everything looked so great that we were given only a 5% chance of miscarriage (so obviously we are praying like crazy that we are not the exception in this case). So, whew, that's it. We have a baby coming! 

from the bottom of my heart.

You guys, when I posted that last one about babies and all the various details, I NEVER in a million years would have expected to feel so much better, not to mention so much love and support. To every single person that reached out to me in some way, I can't thank you enough. I appreciate the notes, the texts, the comments, every little bit. I can tell you this, I have faith in Heavenly Father's plan for Zac and I, and our future little ones. It is absolutely in His own time.

Because you (& your neighbor, & your dog) have asked

*Heads up, this post is personal. If you don't want the nitty gritty it's probably best you skip past this one.*

Babies. There, I said it. Let's address it. Yes, Zachary and I have been married for two whole years now and yes, we were indeed commanded to multiply and replenish. So why don't we have a baby? Not that it's anyone's business but mine and Zac's, I'm kind of over the awkward questions from friends, family, and weird acquaintances.

Truth is, I want a baby pretty badly. My body just doesn't seem to want to work with us. This is where it gets a little personal so look away if you would like to pretend like our baby will come from a stork. 

I have been off of the pill for around 10 months and my body will not ovulate by itself anymore. As some of you may know ovulation is pretty important for makin' a baby. I have visited a couple doctors (one of which scared the bajeebies out of me, saying that I was infertile. woah, that word was harsh.) and the last doctor prescribed me a medicine that should help my body. I will need to go back in for another appointment soon since it's been 6 months on this particular pill and no dice, I'm hoping something like Clomid can help me out.

You might be asking why I feel the need to open up about this all of the sudden and why I think people care and there are a couple answers. Like I said, I'm sick of the questions, but also because it's been a huge weight on my shoulders for a while now. It's hard not to feel alone and a little bit broken. It's hard not to constantly wonder why we are facing this trial in our marriage or wonder if it's a lesson in patience that I'm not quite getting. I feel a pit in my stomach every time someone else announces that they have a little spirit on the way, not because I'm unhappy for them in ANY way but because I'm waiting for the day that I can make that announcement. 

Does this make sense? Am I being crazy? (I can answer that one... yes, I am) But man, it feels good to write this out. We are grateful for the time that Zac & I have had together and for the stability that we've found. We have faith that someday we will get that crazy excitement over a weird stick that you pee on and be able to share in that fun with our family and friends. And I know that someday we will be totally awesome parents. We're just waitin' around for that someday... :) 

This is my baby for now.